


A Thousand Moments

by smolsarcasticraspberry



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Altean Shiro, Angst, F/M, Future Fic, Pining, after the war, but is it mutual pining or is it one sided that's the real question, look someone asked for shallura as exes fics and i don't have impulse control, past relationship, regretful pining, shallura - Freeform, shallura as exes, so here ya go, yes i am using this fic to force fandom to accept my personal conspiracy theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-11 02:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10453176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolsarcasticraspberry/pseuds/smolsarcasticraspberry
Summary: The war is over. Allura is engaged and settled on New Altea. But when Shiro returns to New Altea with the other Paladins, his presence brings back old memories for Allura - of their time together, and the love they shared during the war.





	1. but you were history

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah look I don't have an excuse for this except someone on tumblr said "what about shallura as exes" and it was a Sunday afternoon and I didn't have anything else to do. And then it turned into a multi-chapter angsty epic so... ooops? Also, this fic incorporates a personal theory of mine that Shiro is Altean and can do magic (I have a bunch of posts about it on my tumblr if you're curious).

Allura fiddled with the engagement band around her wrist, her thumb rubbing over each stone set into the slim metal bracelet. It did nothing to alleviate her nerves. She chewed at her bottom lip as she stood on the grand steps of New Altea's Royal Palace, surveying the ranks of the Peace Guard lined up across the courtyard. The deep blue of their uniforms offset the gold highlights of their belts and sashes, and for a moment she imagined herself back in old Altea, before the war and Zarkon and her ten-thousand-year sleep.

She shook her head to clear the rush of nostalgia. No time for that sort of thing. Not today.

Over the horizon, the Voltron Lions emerged into view. They flew in formation, a tight V that swung low over the Royal Palace, roaring in the dazzling sunlight. The assembled crowd cheered in appreciation as the Lions circled back around and landed at the far side of the courtyard.

Prince Romin leaned down to murmur in Allura's ear: "You look nervous."

"It's an important day," she replied, trying to keep her voice even. She silently cursed herself for fidgeting, and forced her hands down to her sides in a suitably regal pose. She didn't need Romin's scrutiny. Not today of all days.

"You know if you don't like the band, I can get you another one," Prince Romin went on, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort. Allura glanced up at her betrothed. His warm smile lit up his face and melted through her nerves.

"Don't be silly," she assured him. "I love it."

"I'm just glad you finally said yes," Romin said.

"I'm glad too."

I _am_ glad, she told herself. Prince Romin was perfect - a surviving Altean from one of the hidden outposts, a smart strategist and gifted politician, and a kind and considerate lover. He'd courted her with a single-minded devotion that was deeply flattering. She saw hope in his face when he smiled at her; a future, maybe even a family. Coran had been overjoyed at their relationship, and positively encouraged the engagement.

And yet she'd hesitated the first time he asked her to marry him. And the second time. And the third and fourth.

Her hand went reflexively to the engagement band, but she caught herself before her fingers wrapped around it. Instead, she smoothed over the fabric of her gown to hide her twitchiness. She could do this. It was nothing.

At the far end of the courtyard, the Paladins stepped out of their Lions and began the slow march toward the palace steps. They took their time, waving at the crowds and soaking in the cheers and chants of adoration. They earned this, Allura thought. She couldn't blame them for savouring the moment.

And yet her fingers itched and her heart raced. It seemed to take them an age to reach the foot of the steps and line up in front of her.

She took them in with a glance. Lance and Keith, older and more scarred; Keith's appearance more Galra with every passing year. Hunk, broad and barrel-chested, but his eyes still as gentle as ever. Pidge gave her a cheeky wink, and Allura smothered a smile. The new Paladins were no longer the scared children she'd trained and mentored all those years ago.

Finally, her gaze landed on their leader. The Black Paladin. Shiro.

He looked older. When was the last time she'd seen him? A year ago? Two? Voltron had been off on its own mission, away from New Altea and the political manoeuvrings required to rebuild the Voltron Alliance and forge a shaky peace between the newly liberated planets. Voltron was needed elsewhere, fighting the remnants of the Galra empire. Had two years really passed since they'd seen each other last?

Shiro had a beard, now, streaked with white the same as his hair. His Altean heritage gave his face a certain agelessness, and the markings around his eyes shimmered blue in the sunlight. His eyes still held the fierce intensity that had drawn Allura to him in the first place.

He caught her gaze and nodded slightly. Allura nodded in return, even as her breath caught in her throat.

"Paladins of Voltron," Prince Romin began, his voice carrying across the courtyard. "Welcome back to New Altea. We gather here today to honour the Paladins and the work they have done in our defence. Without you, the galaxy would not be safe. This alliance would not be possible…"

Allura let her mind wander. Romin had been practising this speech for days; Allura knew it by heart at this point. She scanned the crowd, trying to appear composed, but her eyes flickered back to Shiro more often than was proper.

Memories rushed back to her, unbidden. Shiro in her room, in her bed, tracing circles on her skin and watching the marks around her eyes glow. Her and Shiro on the training deck, back when he first discovered his magical powers. He'd been so scared and overwhelmed, and yet he'd trusted her completely to train him and help him.

Allura forced herself to look away from him. She gazed at the crowds; smiled at the politicians lined up on either side of the steps; she ran her eyes over the Peace Guards as if assessing the cut of their uniforms and the firmness of their stances.

And yet her eyes were drawn back to Shiro, again and again.

The first time he kissed her, under a canopy of stars on the Castle of Lions, shy and unsure and not knowing if she'd return his affections. The first time he made love to her, gentle and desperate and eager to please. Nights spent together, sparring or play fighting or just lying in each other's arms.

 _You ended it_ , she reminded herself. _You decided it wasn't a good idea. You ended it._

She looked at him again, and this time his eyes flickered towards her and held her gaze. The faintest hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth; so small and insignificant that someone who didn't know him well would have missed it completely. But Allura knew him, maybe better than she knew anyone. She didn't dare let herself smile back.

She didn't get a chance to speak to Shiro until after Prince Romin finished his speech, and they headed inside the Palace for the official reception. Romin mingled with the guests and officials with consummate ease, and Allura found herself alone by the drinks table, sipping a cup of nunvil and making small talk with dignitaries. Romin had always been good at this, and she gazed fondly in his direction as he circled the room.

"He's a good man."

Shiro's voice shook Allura from her contemplations. He stood beside her at the drinks table, dressed in his official Paladin armour, his helmet tucked under his arm. He glanced at Romin again, his expression unreadable.

"He has his moments," Allura said. "What about you, Shiro? How have you been?"

"Oh, you know." Shiro shrugged. "Shot at by Galra. Almost eaten by giant monsters. The usual."

Allura smiled, in spite of herself. "You should come back to New Altea more often," she said. "You could do with the rest."

"Well, the universe still needs Voltron," Shiro said. "I'm surprised you've lasted this long here. You were never one to sit on the sidelines and make small talk."

How well he knew her.

"Duty calls, I suppose," she said.

Her hand went to the engagement band again. She ran it through her fingers, over and over, twirling it around her wrist. Shiro caught the movement and glanced down. His face changed.

"Congratulations, by the way," he said. "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you."

His eyes met hers. A thousand moments hung heavy in the air between them; a thousand unresolved arguments, a thousand harsh words uttered in anger. Shiro gave her a wry smile, and she returned it in kind. A thousand kisses; a thousand gentle words, a thousand I-love-yous whispered in the night.

Why was she still drawn to him? She'd had her chance. They'd loved each other fiercely and intensely, in the midst of a war, and they'd parted with kindness and regret when war turned to peace. She'd given him parts of herself she'd never shared with anyone else. He spoke truths to her that he'd never spoken aloud. But it was over. It was done. It was a complete thing: a love well-loved, enjoyed and treasured in its time, then packed away and put on the shelf to live only as a memory.

So why did she still long to reach out and touch him? To run her hands through his hair and feel his lips pressed against hers once again, the way she had a thousand times before?

"Well. Guess I should go mingle," Shiro said. He tipped his glass at her and walked away into the crowd.

Allura fiddled with the engagement band at her wrist, her thumb rubbing over every familiar stone and engraving.

"Quiznak," she muttered, and downed her drink.


	2. all the tears turned to dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DO NOT HAVE IMPULSE CONTROL it's 3am here's another 2000 words of this thing I never intended to write. This hasn't been beta'd so you get what you get.

Allura didn't speak to Shiro again for several days.

His duties as the Black Paladin kept him out of the Royal Palace during daylight hours, visiting the city and attending various events and functions. In the evenings, Prince Romin hosted huge dinner parties, and the Paladins were always seated with some highly important guest.

Allura couldn't help but watch Shiro, though. He'd grown better at socialising - more comfortable in crowds, more at ease talking to important figures. She smiled fondly at the memories of his first formal outings with her and how nervous he'd been in company. He'd grown into himself gradually, so that the man before her now spoke with an easy confidence even in the face of royalty.

It wasn't until the fifth day of his visit that she caught him alone.

She was walking through the sun-dappled cloisters of the Royal Palace, moving from shaded walkways to open courtyards and back again, enjoying the summer warmth. Her slippers made no sound on the smooth cobbles, which was how she snuck up on him. He stood in one of the courtyards, an Altean staff in his hand, and worked his way through one of the practice sets he'd learned from her years ago.

Allura stopped in the shade of an archway and watched him move through the routine. The sunlight bathed his bare chest and back in warm, yellow light. Even after all these years, he was as handsome and well-built as he'd been in his youth. More so, if anything; age had added bulk to his torso and legs, and weathered the lines of his face.

He stopped moving when he caught her watching.

"Princess," he said, a little out of breath. "I didn't see you there."

"I didn't mean to sneak up on you." Allura stepped out of the archway and into the courtyard, squinting in the sunlight. "You still remember your Altean forms, I see."

"Well, I had a good teacher."

He smiled at her. It was more guarded than it used to be, but that was to be expected. Still, there was a warmth in the expression that no amount of time or distance could erase.

"Do you remember when we used to spar on the training deck," Allura said. She smiled at the memory.

"I remember you used to knock me flat on my back," Shiro replied. "I got better quickly, though."

"And the magic katas we learned from the Castle-Ship's database," Allura went on, lost in the recollections. "We even came up with our own after a while."

Shiro chuckled. And Goddess, she'd missed that sound. She smiled back at him.

"Do you still remember it?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Care to join me?"

He laid the staff to one side and flexed his fingers. After a moment's hesitation, Allura slipped off her outer gown and draped it over one of the stone benches on the courtyard's edge. Underneath her gown she wore a practical vest and leggings that would serve as training clothes. She kicked off her slippers and let the warmth of the stones soak through the soles of her feet.

"This brings back memories," she said, as she lined up beside Shiro.

"Remember how scared I was the first time we did this?"

She laughed, but there was nothing but kindness in it. "Look at you now, though."

He smiled at her, and for a tick - just a tick - it was like nothing had changed. The years fell away, and the old Shiro - her own Shiro - smiled back at her, like he had on the Castle-Ship's training deck so many times. But her engagement band glinted in the sunlight, and the shadow came back into Shiro's eyes. He looked straight ahead.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Ready."

He counted them in, and they moved through the movements together. Allura tried not to look at Shiro, but as she stepped through the routine she couldn't help but let her gaze rest on him: the muscles of his back, the firmness of his shoulders, the way his hands moved with a surety and confidence they had lacked all those years ago. The first time they'd tried this, he'd been shaking. Now, he breezed through the movements, all confidence and power and strength.

The glow of magic formed around his hands, and Allura felt the echoing power build up in her own palms. They stepped forward together, and the glow burst forth in two parallel streams of whitish-pink light. They circled to the left, stepped forward again - another burst of light and power. Each stance and form sent more quintessence surging through Allura's body, pooling in her abdomen and running up and down her spine. The power crackled out of her fingertips, and as the kata built to a climax, white lightening leaped from her hands and earthed into the flagstones.

She held the stance for a tick, and then breathed out slowly and circled her hands around to her centre. The quintessence died down, and she pressed her palms together and finished the form.

When she looked at Shiro, she found his gaze already resting on her.

"You're more powerful than I remember," he said. He looked impressed.

"So are you," she countered. "Or maybe you're just less terrified."

He gave her a little huffy laugh. "I was pretty scared back then, wasn't I?"

He sat down on one of the benches and picked up a water bottle. Allura sat beside him and let the sunlight warm her skin. A soft breeze blew through the courtyard and stirred the dust into little eddies. Shiro held out the water bottle, and Allura took it wordlessly.

The silence seemed to stretch out between them.

"I've missed you, Princess," Shiro said quietly.

It came out of nowhere. Allura's eyes snapped up to meet Shiro's gaze. He looked at her with an earnest intensity that took her breath away; but then, he'd always done that. He had this power to look right through her.

"I've missed you too," she confessed.

"Even though you're getting married?"

 _Especially because I'm getting married_ , she thought, but it came out as: "You were also my friend, Shiro."

"I'm just glad you finally found someone you could say yes to."

That stung. It stung because he'd asked her himself, many times, always during the height of war or in the middle of chaos. They'd spoken of it late at night, hands idly clasped together, discussing what the future might hold.

"I never said no to you," Allura whispered. The intensity of his gaze bothered her. Nothing got past that piercing look. She looked at her hands instead, wrung together in her lap, the engagement band glinting on her wrist like a manacle.

"You didn't say yes either."

She looked up and met his gaze, expecting judgement and anger, but instead she found nothing but fondness. Guarded and wary, but fondness nevertheless. Perhaps because it had been five years; five years since the arguments and fights about _where this was going_ , or _what this meant_. Five years of distance and separation, in which she'd hardly seen him or heard from him except whenever Voltron was needed for some official function.

And maybe it was all of that, because with the benefit of distance and time the fights didn't seem so bad. Maybe that was why Shiro could smile at her now, when once he'd been too hurt and broken to even admit how much her reluctance tore him apart inside.

"Not because I didn't want to," Allura said to him. "It was just complicated, Shiro. Altean marriages involve a lot of politics. I was raised to believe that whomever I married, it would make a political statement. I found it hard to see past that."

He nodded slightly. Did he understand that now? He hadn't at the time. Or maybe she just hadn't expressed it so clearly. Five years was a long time to practice articulating her deep-seated issues with marriage and family.

She glanced around her at the cloisters of the Royal Palace. The stately domes and towers loomed over her, constant reminders of duty and honour and responsibility. Being Altean royalty carried its own burdens.

"I never wanted this kind of life for you," she went on. "The formal dinners and the negotiations and diplomacy. You would have hated it. And this was all I could offer."

"You could have been a different kind of princess," Shiro replied softly. "You were during the war."

She sighed. "The war was different. At least, I always thought so. I'm not sure anymore."

"I pushed you too hard," Shiro said. He looked away from her, up to the blue sky of New Altea and the scudding white clouds. "I wanted us to get married because that's what normal humans do. I was scared. We were fighting a huge intergalactic war and I was out of my depth and everything seemed crazy. I wanted to do something completely mundane and normal. I just wanted to get married like normal people do."

Allura nodded. She'd sort of understood that at the time, but back then it had felt like Shiro was pushing her into a box to suit his own comfort. Now, it made a lot more sense. The benefit of distance, yet again - the benefit of hindsight, or space, or whatever had changed in the five years they'd been apart. Of course he wanted something to feel normal. Of course a wedding would have comforted him and made him feel like something - anything - was going according to plan.

Why had she ever hesitated? Why had she said _not yet_ and _maybe someday_ and _I'm just not ready_? Oh, there had been a multitude of reasons at the time - not wanting to drag him into the politics of Altean marriage had just been the start of it. And yet… when she looked at his face she couldn't think of any of them. He sat in the sunlight, his face creased into a frown, beautiful grey eyes turned to the skies. And she couldn't for the life of her remember why she'd turned him down.

"We wouldn't have been normal people," she reminded him. Or was she reminding herself? "We would have been an Altean Princess and a Paladin of Voltron."

"True," he conceded. "But we also would have been Takashi and Allura."

He glanced across at her. She blushed at the sound of his name, and not just because she'd moaned it in moments of ecstasy more times than she cared to remember. It was a reminder of just how intimate they'd been.

 _You ended things_ , she told herself. _It was a smart decision_.

But time had softened the hard edges of their final arguments. Problems that had once seemed insurmountable now seemed trivial. He was right. She could have been a different type of princess. Who would have dared complain?

She pushed the thought down. _I love Romin. I want to marry Romin._

But Shiro smiled at her, and her heart flipped the way it never, ever had for her fiancé.

She stood up abruptly. The courtyard suddenly felt claustrophobic - too small to contain the thoughts that pinwheeled through her mind. The sunlight suddenly felt stifling and hot.

"I should go," she said. She picked up her gown from the bench and slipped her feet back into her shoes. When she glanced at Shiro, a frown had replaced the smile on his face.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked.

"No! No. I appreciate your honesty."

"Oh. Well. Likewise, Princess."

He didn't try to stop her as she hurried from the courtyard, and only when she reached the relative safety of the corridor did she dare to let out the sobs that tore at her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta thank @shiroallura/wordswithdragons for some of the dialogue in this - we were bouncing ideas around in the chat and they came up with some amazing stuff which I ended up including.


	3. if you whisper like that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops this chapter is longer than the entire work so far haha OH WELL. I seriously did not intend to write anything long for this but it grabbed me and I had good ideas so here it is. ENJOY THE PINING AND ANGST.

Allura avoided Shiro after their encounter in the courtyard. Not because she didn't want to see him, because she did. Desperately. But the weight of his gaze had bored a hole in her chest, and she didn't dare speak to him again for fear of what might come tumbling out of that gaping wound.

Fortunately, his official duties kept him busy and away from the Royal Palace for several days. And so the next time Allura saw him was at the official Paladin Gala.

She dressed in a sweeping gown of midnight blue, criss-crossed with a web of silver embroidery and sparkling white gems. Prince Romin accompanied her in his Altean regalia, cutting a dashing figure in a white and blue suit that perfectly complimented Allura's dress. She entered the ballroom with her arm looped around his, and accepted the praise and compliments of her guests with practised ease.

She moved through the room beside Prince Romin, greeting each guest in turn. Finally, their progress through the crowd brought them face to face with the Voltron Paladins.

They wore their dress uniforms, and Allura had to admire how smart they looked: the black jackets picked out in silver piping and buttons, cut across with sashes in their individual Paladin colours. The look suited Shiro especially; he looked like midnight incarnate. Allura tried not to stare.

"We can't thank you enough for everything you've done," Romin said. "And may I say, it's been a real treat for everyone to have you here. I know the public have really enjoyed it."

"Well, Your Majesty, entertaining the public is what we do best," Lance said. He leaned on Keith's shoulder and made finger-guns in Romin's direction, and Allura bit down on her laugh.

"Ignore Lance," Keith said, shooting the other Paladin a glare. "The parade went to his head."

"I can't believe how far you've come with the rebuilding," Pidge said. "In just a few short years you've built a thriving capital city. It's incredible!"

"Yeah, we were checking out the transportation hubs and I'm really impressed with all your work," Hunk added. "And we had a tour of one of the factories, that was amazing. You've done a great job."

"The Olkari have definitely helped in that regard," Romin replied. "I'm proud of how far we've come. I have great hopes for the future."

He glanced at Allura and gave her a meaningful smile. She returned it in kind. There was hope for the future now, and her future was here. With Romin.

Her eyes drifted to Shiro, and found him watching her intently. His gaze snapped away as soon as their eyes met. He spoke to Romin instead.

"I meant to offer my congratulations," he said, indicating the engagement band that sparkled on Romin's wrist. "You're a very lucky man."

Allura blushed, in spite of herself. She didn't need this. Not now.

"I am, aren't I?" Romin said. He tucked his arm around Allura's and gave a little squeeze. "She made me work for it, but it was worth it."

Allura found herself pinned, once again, in Shiro's piercing gaze. But only for a moment. His eyes went back to Romin's face, and he smiled diplomatically.

"Well, I'm glad your patience paid off."

Romin smiled at Allura again. "I can be very persuasive when it counts. The years of diplomatic training really helped!"

Allura winced, and tried to keep her face neutral. It wasn't Romin's fault. She'd never told him about her relationship with Shiro. She'd meant to, at various points in time, but the enormity of if had always daunted her. How could she sum up all those years together? What could she say? 'We were lovers' didn't really cover it. 'I thought he was The One' gave it too much weight, whatever might be the truth behind those words.

Romin didn't know about the past. He didn't know how much his words must sting Shiro now.

To his credit, Shiro bore it with patience. Not even the slightest flicker of anger or jealousy marred his face. He'd learned composure at some point - from her, Allura realised with a jolt. She'd taught him that. They'd practised it together, neither of them particularly good at it, until they could keep a polite face in company. It was an Altean diplomatic tradition.

"Allura speaks very highly of you," Romin went on, addressing Shiro.

"Then she must be giving you the edited highlights," Shiro joked. He caught Allura's gaze and grinned.

Maybe it hadn't stung after all. And _that_ stung in a way that Allura wasn't prepared to examine. Had she wanted him to still be hung up on her? Did she want him to still be in love with her after all this time?

No. That was ridiculous. It was unfair and cruel and petty to wish that kind of pain on Shiro, after everything they'd been through together. And she had Romin now.

And yet.

 _And yet_.

Some small, selfish part of her wanted to see him frown with jealousy and regret. She mentally shook herself. This was ridiculous. She tightened her grip on Romin's arm and forced herself to smile.

"Shall we see you later for the dance?" Romin asked.

Shiro nodded. "I'm not much of a dancer, but we'll be here all evening."

"Wonderful. Have a great night."

Romin steered Allura away to the next group of guests, but she glanced back at Shiro as they passed. Shiro met her gaze for a moment, but his expression was unreadable, and she turned away.

Allura ate supper surrounded by diplomats and nobles, and did well at small talk, but her eyes drifted to Shiro's table more often than she cared to admit. The busy dining hall hummed with a hundred conversations, but Allura strained her ears to catch just one voice - one hint of Shiro - one word, one laugh. Was he enjoying his meal? His company?

Thoughts paraded through her mind like guard rotations. Frustration at her own foolishness gave way to determination to ignore Shiro for the rest of the night. That in turn was replaced by a bizarre need to see his face and hear his voice. Then foolishness returned to take its place, and the cycle began again.

Finally, it came time for dancing, and Allura threw herself into the activity as a distraction. Romin was a good partner, and after he moved on to dance with someone else (as was only proper), Allura took pleasure in partnering with several other Altean dignitaries. She had no time to glance around for Shiro.

She paused between numbers and sat at the edge of the dancefloor, a drink in her hand. She fanned herself to stave off the heat. So many people exerting themselves in dancing had given the ballroom a stuffy feel, and the servants came around to fling open the doors to the gardens and let in the nighttime air. Floating chandeliers twinkled high up near the ceiling, and trays of drinks and refreshments drifted past of their own accord. The gowns and suits of the guests caught the lights and glimmered like constellations.

It reminded Allura of old Altea, and the parties she'd attended with her father. The formal clothes, the fancy drinks, the music of the band… the dancing… memories flooded back to her, a wave of nostalgia that tugged at her heart even as a smile pulled at her lips. Her father would have been proud to see what they'd achieved on New Altea. He would be proud of this gathering, and the air of lighthearted celebration so hard earned after years of war.

"I'm surprised to see you without a partner."

Once again, Shiro's voice stirred her from her recollections. Allura sat up straighter. Her heartrate quickened, in spite of her best efforts to keep control of herself. Something about Shiro's voice had always sent a thrill down her spine.

"Just taking a breather," Allura said. She glanced up at Shiro and smiled, forcing her face into a neutral expression so as not to betray her own racing thoughts.

"I have to say, it's a very impressive party," Shiro went on. He glanced around at the ballroom, admiring it the same way Allura had. "And it's nice to be able to _have_ parties, I guess."

His words mirrored her own thoughts so exactly that Allura blushed. It felt strange to still be so in synch with him after all these years. They'd drifted apart, and yet somehow they were as close together as they'd ever been.

"It's nice to feel safe enough to throw caution to the wind like this," Allura agreed. "And to bring so many dignitaries together from so many planets. It feels like a real breakthrough."

"Then why are you sitting on the sidelines?" he asked.

He reached out and took the drink from her hand and deposited it on a passing tray. The sudden proximity made Allura's heart skip a beat. Shiro held out his hand to her - his left hand, the one that was still very much his own.

"May I have this dance?" he said, with mock formality.

She looked up at him. "You hate dancing."

"Not with you." And the smile he gave her was as warm and soft as ever, a throwback to old times. How could she resist?

She put her hand in his. "When did you become such a smooth-talker?" she asked, and try as she might she couldn't keep the playful tone from her voice.

"I've been spending too much time with Lance," Shiro joked.

Allura chuckled. "He's a bad influence."

She let Shiro lead her out onto the dancefloor, weaving between the guests to find a space near the band. Shiro wrapped his right arm around her waist, and Allura let her hand rest on his shoulder. It was second nature to fit her body close to his, hands clasped together, feet moving in harmony. She swayed in his arms, falling easily into synch with his movements. They'd done this so often it was stored in her muscle memory.

The music of the band washed over them - a light, gentle beat, easy to dance to. It made it easy to slip into old habits, too; as Allura discovered when she found her fingers idly drifting up Shiro's neck to brush through his hair. She forced herself to stop and concentrate on the dance, but being this close to Shiro after all this time… it reminded her of everything she missed most about him. His warmth. His gentleness. The way his arms always felt around her: safe, secure, comforting.

 _He's like coming home_ , she thought. She pushed it down. _He's not your home anymore. Romin is your home. New Altea is your home._

Shiro gazed down at her, his smile gentle.

"This reminds me of that party we went to on Davaria," he said. It seemed that he, too, was lost in memories.

"Oh yes! When we freed that moon from the Galra, and the Queen threw us a feast in our honour."

"Pidge actually wore a dress for that one," Shiro chuckled. "We were there until dawn. Do you remember?"

The memory flooded back to Allura, and she grinned mischievously as she suddenly recalled some of the more… exciting details of that night.

"I do remember," she said. "If I recall correctly, that was the party where you dragged me off to a side room and put your hand up my skirt."

Shiro blushed; even after all these years, even after everything. He blushed at the memory, as sweet and flustered as he'd always been.

"That _was_ that party, wasn't it?" he chuckled. "And we almost got caught by that butler."

"I'm pretty sure we were in someone's office as well," Allura said. She found herself blushing as well as the memories came back to her. "I'm sure you swept some important documents off that desk in the heat of the moment."

Shiro dipped his head to hide his laugh, and his cheek brushed hers for just a moment. Allura caught her breath. The rush of heat from his skin against hers was nothing compared to the surge of desire that blossomed within her.

How did he still have such power over her? One touch - one brief, accidental touch - and she was coming undone all over again. As if nothing had changed. As if no time had passed at all.

Shiro leaned into her slightly, and his beard tickled her neck even as his breath sent shivers dancing away across her skin.

"In my defence," he murmured in her ear, "you were wearing a rather revealing backless dress that night. And it was very distracting."

She blushed again. The tingle down her spine felt new and exciting - but at the same time it was so familiar. So easy. So comfortable. At that party on Davaria he'd danced with her just like this, except he'd whispered in her ear all the things he wanted to do to her until she blushed and gasped and curled her fist into his hair and begged him to take her up against the wall, behind the drapes, in the corridor - anywhere.

They'd been wild in love. Reckless and outspoken and fearless and desperate and wild. His love for her was a force of nature. How had she forgotten how good it felt? How had she let herself forget that?

Her eyes flickered across the crowded ballroom to where Romin moved through the dancers, chatting politely with his current partner. Romin didn't see her; he didn't glance her way. And Allura wasn't sure if she was disappointed or relieved that her betrothed didn't glance up to catch her eye and give her a small smile, or a wink, or a flicker of meaningful connection in a crowded room.

If he'd looked at her - if he had pulled his gaze away from his partner and found her eyes upon him in the crowd - then Allura might not have turned back to Shiro and asked what she asked next.

"Why did you leave me?" The question came out of her in a rush. She held her breath, shocked at her own bravery and daring. It shocked Shiro, too - his eyes went wide, and his mouth dropped open. But she had to know. She had to answer the question that still hung unanswered between them.

"You asked me to leave," Shiro said eventually.

"I asked for space," Allura replied. "I didn't tell you to leave. Especially not for good."

He shrugged. "I asked you to marry me and you couldn't bring yourself to say yes. And then you asked for space. It seemed obvious things were over."

She looked him in the eye, trying to read his thoughts. They remained elusive. His gaze was guarded; his expression gave nothing away.

"They didn't have to be over," Allura whispered. She didn't trust her own voice at this point.

"Then why did you ask for space? I thought you wanted me to end things."

"You kept asking me for something I couldn't give you," Allura said. "You were dreaming of a normal life."

"I don't think anything about our lives was ever normal."

Shiro's gaze cut into her, asking for truth and clarification after all these years. He wanted the answers as much as her, she realised. He wanted the truth too. His arm tightened around her waist, and he pulled her closer, as if bodily proximity could pull the secrets from her heart. It probably would, too. She'd always been helpless in his arms. Her chest tightened until she could hear her own rapid, desperate heartbeat.

"I trapped you in this life," Allura said softly. She met Shiro's gaze, captured by the softness of his eyes. She owed him honesty at the very least. "It wasn't fair to ask you to stay with me when I couldn't give you what you wanted. All I could give you was… this. And you deserved better than that."

Shiro laughed, but there wasn't much humour in it. "I didn't want better than that. I just wanted us. Together."

"But you left."

"Because I thought that was what _you_ wanted."

She couldn't fault that explanation. She'd certainly given him that impression. But she'd asked for space for him as much as for her. She'd meant it as permission for him to go if he wanted to, and he'd read it as a request for an ending.

And then he left, and she told herself it was for the best, and that she'd done the right thing.

Shiro held her gaze, and this time his expression _was_ readable. Pain and regret flickered behind his eyes, mingled with a growing realisation that maybe - maybe - the end of everything had been just a misunderstanding.

"I didn't want you to leave," Allura whispered. "It wasn't what I wanted."

Shiro stopped moving. The music carried on, the dancers whirled, the lights flickered, but Shiro stood still. Allura froze in his arms, pinned down by the weight of his gaze and the sadness that flushed his face. His forehead creased into a frown, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but the words wouldn't come.

Allura held his gaze, unable to look away. His fingers tightened around her hand, and tears pricked her eyes.

_I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't have brought this up._

"May I cut in?"

Allura tore her gaze away from Shiro's face to find Prince Romin smiling at her, clearly oblivious to what had just passed. Shiro immediately released his hold on Allura's hand and stepped back.

"Of course," he said, his voice tight. "She's all yours."

And the words sunk into Allura's heart like a stone. She was Romin's now. Romin's beloved. Romin's betrothed. Soon to be Romin's wife. Shiro held her gaze for one long, final moment, and then melted away into the crowd.

Allura let Prince Romin take her in his arms and lead her through the dance, but when he tried to speak to her she tuned out his words. Only after he'd repeated himself did Allura realise she'd blanked him.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm just feeling a little warm. I think I'm going to step out into the garden and clear my head."

"Should I come with you?" Romin asked.

"No, it's quite alright. Stay here and entertain our guests."

She kissed him on the cheek and extricated herself from the dancefloor.

The large doors at the edge of the ballroom lead directly out into a sculptured garden dotted with hedges and flowerbeds. Allura descended the steps and paused at the edge of the lawn, gasping for breath, suddenly claustrophobic. She left the noise of the party behind her and headed out across the gardens.

Floating lanterns in various colours hung overhead, casting a soft glow over the lawns. The fountains gurgled and trickled, and the sound soothed some of Allura's anxiety. She walked down a gravel path towards a cluster of _inanna_ trees at the edge of the lawn, and sat on a bench, far enough away from the ballroom that the noise of music and dancing faded into the background.

She stared up at the stars until tears sent them splintering and dancing across her vision.

"So you got bored of dancing, huh?"

Allura glanced up at the sound of Hunk's voice. Age and experience had given him an air of wisdom that he'd lacked as a young man. But he'd always been a calming, reliable presence, despite his own anxieties. Allura smiled at him.

"Not bored, Hunk. I just wanted some fresh air."

Hunk nodded. "You came out here to think."

"That too."

Hunk sat next to her on the bench and gazed up at the stars. He was silent for several moments, and so quiet that Allura almost forgot he was there.

"He misses you a lot, you know," Hunk said eventually. "Shiro, I mean."

"He told me," Allura said faintly.

"I don't know if you care, but… He hasn't really dated anyone either."

Allura looked at him, her heart suddenly racing out of her chest.

"You mean, since…?"

"Since you. He's had plenty of offers, obviously, cos he's Shiro. But he just hasn't really connected with anyone. He works a lot, and spends a lot of time in his office, and he trains really hard. So he says he doesn't have time for dating, but if you ask me… he just hasn't met anyone that measures up to you."

Hunk looked up at the stars, not meeting Allura's gaze, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from him. She'd wished for that, hadn't she? In some petty, selfish way, she'd wished for Shiro to not move on - to still be just as much in love with her as ever, unable to get past her, unable to be happy with anyone else.

But hearing Hunk say it… it just made her unbearably sad. Tears pricked her eyes and spilled down her cheeks, and she wondered how she'd ever been so cruel and heartless to wish that kind of loneliness on Shiro. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted him to be loved. The thought of him sitting in his study, alone, pondering plans or maps or charts or reading reports or just gazing out of the window… it broke something within her.

She'd given him that pain. All the unanswered questions, all the miscommunications, all the unspoken thoughts. Perhaps now he'd be able to move on. She'd finally given him answers. She had to believe it was what he needed to make peace with their parting.

She turned back to the stars to try and still the turmoil of her thoughts. But the stars twinkled back at her, silent and unhelpful, and she wondered if she even had the power to fix the mess she'd made. With a sigh she stood up from the bench and extended a hand to Hunk.

"You haven't danced with me," she said.

Hunk smiled - and she realised how much she'd missed him, as well. All of the Paladins, actually. Hunk and his warmth, Pidge and her snark; even Keith's moods and Lance's painful flirting had brought her joy once upon a time. She missed all of them.

She looped her arm around Hunk's elbow, and they went back inside together.

* * *

 

It was well past midnight when Allura finally left the party. She closed the bedroom door and kicked off her shoes with a sigh of relief. Romin followed suit, and they moved around each other as they undressed and changed. Allura pulled on her nightgown, and headed to the bathroom to freshen up and wash her face. When she emerged, Romin was sitting at her dressing table, playing with the engagement band at his wrist.

Allura stopped. Romin didn't meet her gaze, but he didn't need to. He frowned at the engagement band, and Allura held her breath, waiting for him to put words to the tension.

"So, uh… you and Shiro," he said.

And there it was.

"What about me and Shiro?" Allura asked, too cowardly to just get it over with.

Romin looked her in the eye, and his expression cut deep to her core.

"Were you lovers?" Romin asked. "Were you together?"

Oh well. No way out of this now.

"Yes," Allura said softly.

"For how long?"

"It was a long time ago…"

"For how long?"

She looked Romin in the eye. She owed him that much, at least. She tried to read him - to guess what thoughts might be tumbling through his mind right now. But he'd never been an open book to her, and whatever mood was driving this conversation remained hidden.

"For most of the war," Allura said.

"That was ten years! Why didn't you ever tell me?!"

Now his emotions were clear: pain, betrayal, humiliation. Something had clicked for him at the party today. Maybe someone had said something. Maybe he'd seen her dance with Shiro, too close and familiar to be just friends. Whatever the reason, he'd stumbled on the truth she'd avoided for years.

"It was a different time," Allura said. She tried to keep her voice calm, but the emotions spilled out of her. "Things were different. We were fighting for our lives. It was natural for us to come together like that."

"Were you in love with him?"

So all the hard questions were getting asked tonight. "Yes."

Romin looked away from her, and his gaze drifted over their shared living space: the clothes, the books, the curios, the accessories. All the debris of living and loving in the same room. He cast his eyes over all of it, as if trying to convince himself it was still real.

Allura crossed the room and knelt in front of him. She put her hands on his face and forced him to look at her.

"It was a long time ago," she said. "The war was different. It made us different. We loved each other, and when the war ended we parted as friends. That's all it was. It's done now. We're just friends."

Romin's expression morphed from anger to hurt, and Allura bit her lip to keep from crying.

"I wish you had told me," Romin said. "I wouldn't have minded."

"It never really seemed relevant. It's in the past."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

The question came out of nowhere, and for a moment Allura couldn't breathe.

"No," she whispered. "It's all in the past, like I told you."

 _Liar_ , she thought to herself. It was a whisper from some secret corner of her heart - a corner that still belonged to Shiro, and always would. She pushed it down. It wasn't a lie. He could still make her heart sing and her skin tingle, but that wasn't love. She loved Romin now. She chose Romin. She had nothing to regret.

"When you danced with him…" Romin began.

Allura shook her head. "He's a flirt, but it doesn't mean anything. We were just reminiscing about old times. I love _you_ , Romin. I'm marrying you."

He smiled at her, his expression still tense. Allura wrapped her arms around his neck and held him. After a moment's hesitation, he reciprocated. He sighed into her shoulder as he held her - perhaps out of relief, but Allura couldn't tell.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she whispered.

"It's alright," Romin replied. "I'm just glad everything's out in the open now."

"You have nothing to worry about," Allura went on. "There's nothing there but fond memories."

_And the touch of his hand in yours and the way his arm tightened around you when you danced and the warmth that still permeates his smile and the way he makes your heart flip like no one else ever has_

"It's all in the past," Allura repeated. "There's nothing there."

But she didn't entirely believe it.


	4. the flesh and the fantasies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These scenes were supposed to be a brief filler but then I got caught up in the Romin/Allura feels and ended up with 4000 words, so this gets a chapter all its own. Haha how did this get so long WELP. Also if you haven't noticed the rating of this went up because this chapter got a little... suggestive... but there's nothing explicit about this. ENJOY THE PAIN EVERYONE.

The next morning, Romin hosted brunch on the lawns of the Royal Palace. Many of the guests - including the Paladins - had stayed overnight, and the castle slowly awoke as one by one the residents shook off the exertions of the evening before. They filtered down onto the lawn in ones and twos and congregated in a large white marquee to help themselves to food and refreshments.

This particular garden overlooked an ornamental lake and a cultivated area of woodland, and Allura took a seat just outside the marquee to admire the view. The lake rippled gold and white in the brilliant sunlight, and small birds chirped and sang as they hopped across the lawns. Allura took a deep breath, savouring the refreshing breeze that tugged at her hair and the skirts of her gown.

She went back into the marquee for a second cup of tea just as Shiro and the other Paladins arrived from their rooms. They looked sleepy but happy - except for Shiro, who looked as grave as she'd ever seen him. Allura suppressed a grimace. Her words last night had obviously opened up some old wounds, and she wondered if she'd helped him or healed him. Perhaps that was an issue best left unexplored.

As she went to greet the Paladins, however, she caught sight of Prince Romin from the corner of her eye. He fixed Shiro with a harsh look, and then crossed purposefully to Allura's side.

"Good morning, Paladins," he said. He wrapped an arm around Allura's waist and planted a kiss on her cheek.

Allura tried not to frown. Romin was not normally demonstrative in public, and this new performance of affection set her nerves on edge. Was he trying to claim her as his own? Was he jealous of Shiro? Did he suddenly feel more confident in their relationship, because she'd told him she chose him over another? Allura bristled under his touch, and tried to keep her face pleasantly neutral.

Shiro caught the tension, and glanced between her face and Romin's. He was spared the torture of small talk, however, because at that moment a servant came up to whisper in Romin's ear and call him away for some urgent business.

"That was weird," Pidge remarked, before she turned to the buffet table and started loading her plate. The other Paladins followed her lead, and Allura helped herself to hot tea from the pot.

Somehow, she found herself next to Shiro.

"Why is your fiancé giving me the stink eye?" he asked, as he served himself food from the array of options on the table. His voice was neutral, but there was an edge to it that Allura couldn't miss.

She opened her mouth to tell him, but somehow the words wouldn't come out. She cleared her throat and tried again.

"He didn't know about us," she said, not daring to look at Shiro as he stood beside her, close enough to brush her shoulder. "He figured it out last night."

She watched Shiro's hands. They stopped moving. Slowly, he put down the plate and cup he'd been holding, and gripped the edge of the table.

"You never told him about us." Anger hung off every word - or was it disappointment? And Allura realised how it sounded. As if she'd erased their relationship from existence and acted like it had never happened.

"It wasn't like that," she began.

"Why didn't you tell him?"

She forced herself to meet Shiro's gaze; to look him in the eye and read his feelings as they poured out of him. The weight of his heartbreak bore down on her. Not anger, then. Just pain. The pain of being deemed irrelevant.

"It was… I didn't know how to," she confessed.

Shiro frowned at her, his eyes dark and sad. "Are you that ashamed of me?"

"What? No!" She reached out, reflexively, to take Shiro's hand - but stopped herself before she could make contact. That would be a bad move at this point. She didn't need to make this any more complicated and confusing.

"Shiro… what happened between us…" How could she put it? How could she wrap words around this? She tried again. "The time we spent together means a lot to me. It was special. But it was also… very private. I don't tell people much about the war. I hardly talk about it.

"When I started seeing Prince Romin, I knew I should tell him but… I never wanted to. I didn't want to expose that private part of my life. It belongs to us, and I don't want to share it with other people."

"Then why did you tell him last night?" Shiro asked.

"I didn't. He figured it out somehow and asked me, and I couldn't lie. So I filled in the gaps for him."

Shiro looked at her, his eyes scanning her face, and she tried to discern the meaning behind his expression.

"It's not shame, Shiro," she went on. "I just wanted to keep it private."

Shiro nodded, his face tight. "So at the gala, when I thought he was rubbing it in my face…?"

He let the question hang in the air.

"He didn't know," Allura said. "He had no idea."

Shiro nodded again, but his face remained grave.

"I'm sorry," Allura went on. "I should have told him."

And Shiro shrugged, as if it didn't matter at all. "You didn't have to. You don't owe me anything."

She opened her mouth to give him a reply, but he picked up his food and walked off.

* * *

 

"Why are you treating Shiro differently now?" Allura asked Romin over dinner. "You don't need to give him a hard time."

"I didn't think I was," Romin said. They sat in a small dining room in their living suite, with the doors open to the balcony and a soft breeze stirring the drapes. Outside, the flickering lights of the palace merged with the starlight and the faint glow of the city beyond the palace walls.

"Then why were you looking at him like he personally offended you?" Allura asked. "Why did you have to kiss me in front of him? And keep your arm around me?"

That had been particularly annoying. It was hard enough to suffer through official functions and polite small talk without Romin constantly holding onto her.

"Do I need a reason to be affectionate?"

"You do when it's out of character."

Romin didn't deign to reply.

Allura sighed, and laid down her fork. "You said you didn't mind about this. Why is it bothering you?"

Romin fiddled with the food on his plate before he, too, set down his cutlery. He steepled his fingers and inspected the tabletop, not meeting Allura's eye.

"It's not… it's not bothering me." He picked at a thread on the tablecloth. "It's just that you didn't tell me. About him. You spoke very highly of him, and told me about the battles you fought together. And I wondered, you know?"

He looked up at her then; looked deep into her eyes. Allura held her breath, pinned by his gaze.

"I wondered," Romin went on. "When you praised him, sometimes you would get this soft look on your face. And I told myself it didn't mean anything, because if something had happened between the two of you, you would have mentioned it.

"I met him at official functions. I spoke with him. You went for meetings with him! I told myself I must be imagining something. Because of course if there was something there, you would have told me. But you didn't."

Allura clenched her fist where it rested on the tabletop. She wanted to leap in to defend herself, but she knew she had to let Romin finish. Let him get it off his chest.

"It wasn't until I saw the two of you together at the Gala that I realised the truth. I watched you together and I knew - I _knew_ \- you must have been lovers in the past. You must have meant a great deal to each other. The way he held you. The way you--"

He broke off, his face pained.

"The way you smiled for him," Romin whispered. He looked down at the table again, as if the plates and glasses and cutlery could give him answers for questions he couldn't even voice.

"Tell me the truth, Allura," he pleaded, and when he looked at her tears brimmed in his dark eyes. "Please tell me the truth. Are you still in love with him?"

The question punched a hole in Allura's chest. Because before the dance - before the gala - the answer would have been an easy no. It would have rolled off her tongue. Shiro had been gone for years, and her life with Romin was… not perfect, but happy and content and peaceful. She had put her feelings away in a box and let herself forget them.

But Shiro's return had opened that box. Did she still love him? Or did she love the memory of him? She didn't know how to figure it out.

"No. I'm not in love with him," she said, and felt like a coward. She reached out and took Romin's hand. "I don't love him anymore. I know how it looks, but that's not it. It's just… having him here is confusing."

Romin ran his thumb over the back of her hand, looking at the curve of her fingers under his.

"Are you not happy with me?" he asked.

That question was somehow worse.

"I am happy," Allura said.

"I know you feel restless here sometimes. I know you want to travel more…"

Allura shook her head. "It's not that. It's just… during the war I got used to moving around a lot. New places every day. New battles, new allies. It was a very different time. And coming here, after all of that - it's hard to adjust."

"You miss Shiro." Not a question. A statement, daring her to contradict it.

"I miss all the Paladins," Allura replied, and that was truthful enough. She did miss them. The camaraderie of it; when it had just been the seven of them, in the early days when they first learned how to form Voltron. And the slow trickle of new allies as they gradually came to trust more people.

"That time was very intense, Romin. I was close with everyone. With Shiro and with _all_ the Paladins. With Coran, too. I can't really describe it. We went through so much together."

"We can travel more, if you want," Romin said. "We don't have to stay here all the time."

"And what if I didn't want to stay here at all?"

It wasn't a real question, of course. They'd discussed this before. But Allura let it float out into the air; let it drift above the thorny conflicts and uncomfortable truths that filled the gap between her and Romin.

"That's what I mean," Romin said, his voice earnest. He ran his thumb up and down the back of her hand, over and over, tracing faint lines in her skin. "I can't realistically say we could do that. We have duties and responsibilities. We're Altean royalty. Our place is here. I can't really do anything to change that."

_You could have been a different kind of Princess_

"I'm not unhappy with you," Allura said. "But sometimes, being here… I feel stifled."

"I know."

"I miss being able to travel. I miss the adventure and excitement of it. I'm glad the war is over, but peace has forced me into a role I don't particularly like. That's all."

Romin didn't say anything. His gaze drifted from Allura's hand to her face and back again, as if some answers could be found in the space between the two.

"I just want you to be happy," he said eventually. "If you're not happy, I want you to tell me. It's not too late to change your mind about the wedding, if you want to put it off or think about it some more…"

He trailed off, and the unspoken question uncoiled into the space between them. Allura pushed down the turmoil of her own mind, and forced herself to smile.

"I am happy," she repeated. "I'm happy to be here, with you. There are some things I don't like, but… I can accept those things. I can make peace with them."

_You could have been a different kind of Princess_

But she couldn't. Not now. Not anymore. 

* * *

 

That night, when Romin made love to her, Allura tried to lose herself in the simple physicality of it. She craved intimacy and release as a balm for the ragged chaos of her thoughts, and she allowed Romin to explore her body and shower her with affection. He had always been a wonderful and attentive lover, and their recent tensions only added to his need to please her.

But her thoughts kept straying to Shiro.

Romin's hands trailed across her body, and his lips followed in their path, yet whenever Allura's eyes fluttered closed she saw Shiro's face. She imagined Shiro's arms around her; the touch of his fingers on her skin, the heat of his mouth against her breast.

She tried to stop herself. She tried to focus on Romin. But her thoughts betrayed her, and when release surged through her she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from crying out Shiro's name.

This was ridiculous. Foolish and ridiculous. Selfish and petty and cruel and a mess - an utter mess.

She lay in Romin's arms afterwards, but whilst her fiancé drifted into a satisfied sleep, Allura remained awake. Thoughts and feelings rampaged through her mind, kicking down assumptions, ransacking her beliefs, scrawling graffiti on the walls of her certainties.

With a sigh, Allura rose from the bed and wrapped a robe around herself. She headed out onto the balcony and seated herself on a cushioned bench to watch the night sky.

This part of the Royal Palace overlooked an extensive garden, ringed on all sides by walls and walkways and buildings. The palace complex was so huge that the rest of the city was barely visible beyond its roofs and spires. Skyscrapers rose into the night, picked out in bright points of light that mimicked the twinkle of the stars. Transports hummed between them, little gleaming specks against the dark.

But within the palace grounds, silence and stillness reigned. It was a world apart, and the distance sometimes caused Allura a twinge of pain. She didn't like to be so separated from the people she supposedly ruled. She wanted to walk among them; feel a part of their struggles and triumphs.

Of course, in the days of the war, it had never been like this. The Castle of Lions had landed on numerous planets, and on each one she'd walked amongst the common people - meeting them, helping them, healing them.

She missed those days. Not the war, of course - not the pain and fear and terror of it, not the anguish and heartache - not the deaths of allies or the injuries of friends. But everything back then was clear and bright and vivid. Evil needed to be defeated and good needed to triumph. The stakes were not complicated; the goals were clear and uncluttered.

Maybe it wasn't the war, though. Maybe it was Shiro who had made everything so powerfully clear. It had always been hard to untangle those feelings. How much of her current restlessness stemmed from a craving for adventure, and how much of it stemmed from a desire to be back in Shiro's arms? Was it love or wanderlust that tugged at her heart?

Allura wrapped the gown tighter around her, the night air suddenly chill. A few weeks ago, the answer to her dilemma would have been simple. She missed the excitement and thrill of their wartime adventures. That was it. No question.

But now she wasn't so sure. Nothing seemed clear cut anymore.

She gazed out at the dark gardens, and let her mind wander. Memories rose to the surface of her mind: the first time she kissed Shiro. The first time they sparred, and the first time they argued. The feeling of his arms around her at the ball; the feeling of his lips against hers at that party on Davaria.

She must have dozed off at some point, because she awoke with a start. Darkness cloaked the gardens, unbroken by the city lights. As she watched, the Black Lion rose level with the balcony, her eyes blazing yellow in recognition.

Shiro rode on top of the Lion, perched between its ears. He held out a hand, and Allura stepped to the edge of the balcony and took it. Shiro pulled her onto the Lion's head, and the great metal beast roared and surged away into the night.

They were in the cockpit, somehow, and now the seat was big enough for Allura to straddle Shiro's lap. He wrapped his arms around her, and Allura leaned into his touch and kissed him. He returned the kiss in kind: desperate and urgent, sweet and consuming. She ran her hands through his hair, traced her fingers against his face. He was younger, suddenly; and it was their first kiss, in the Castle of Lions, hesitancy giving way to desperation as the dams of pent up desire finally burst.

Then he was older, bearded, hair turning white, but he kissed her with as much passion as his younger self. His hands roamed her body, and her tongue rolled over his, and he tasted of the past and the future and everything her life was missing.

His hand slipped inside her robe, and her fingers found his collar, and he trailed warm kisses down her throat and across her chest as he pulled her closer, and she gasped for him and raked her fingers through his hair and kissed him, again and again, until she couldn't breathe--

Allura awoke with a start. For real, this time. The images from her dreams swirled around her head still, and she gasped for breath. She put a hand to her chest to still her racing heart.

She'd fallen asleep on the bench, and somehow slumped over into an awkward half-seated position, her cheek pressed painfully against the armrest. She sat up slowly, trying to work the cricks out of her neck.

The gardens were dark. No sign of a Lion.

Allura got up and went back inside, and curled up in the bed next to Romin, but the images from her dreams followed her like ghosts. 

* * *

 

She awoke late the next day. Romin was already up and moving around, and she joined him in their private gardens for a late breakfast. The warmth of New Altea's sun seemed at odds with Allura's general mood. Confusion still clouded her thoughts, with a side helping of guilt. She'd dreamed about Shiro. That hadn't happened in a long time.

Romin chatted away to her, and Allura did her best to appear unflustered and calm. She barely touched her food, and instead sipped tea and gazed at the flowerbeds. Her head ached, and her limbs felt stiff and sore. Sleeping on that bench on the balcony had been a bad idea.

"What's Takashi?" Romin asked.

Allura's head snapped around, and her eyes went wide.

"Where did you hear that?"

"You were saying it in your sleep last night," Romin went on. "I've never heard it before. Is it an Earth word?"

Allura's heart stopped. The cup trembled in her hand, and she had to force herself to breathe.

A thousand wild thoughts raced through her mind, and for a moment she contemplated lying. She could tell Romin it meant something else. Make up a meaning. Call it an Earth curse word, or a strange Earth term.

Knowing her luck, he'd probably say it in front of the other Paladins. He'd probably say it in front of Shiro. She owed him honesty at the very least.

She put her cup down carefully on the table. She couldn't bring herself to meet Romin's gaze.

"It's Shiro's name," she said softly. "His first name."

Romin went quiet, and Allura forced herself to look at him, dreading what she might see in his expression. Her fears were well-founded. His face was drawn tight; his mouth a thin line, and his brows furrowed. He pushed his plate away from him and stood up.

"Romin - please - I'm sorry," Allura began. "I don't know why!"

"You told me this wasn't a problem and I believed you," Romin said. His voice came out deathly calm. "But you're saying his name in your sleep?"

"I'm just confused!" It sounded pathetic even as she said it. "Having him here brings back memories. That's all it is!"

He looked away from her, his face etched with pain.

"I know that," he said. "And I've tried to be understanding about this, but I'm honestly finding it a little difficult right now."

Allura stared at him. "Are you angry with me for dreaming about him?"

"No, I'm upset that you keep telling me there's nothing to worry about!" He did look her in the eyes, then, but it almost made things worse. "If you want to leave me for him, just tell me!"

Allura stood up in a rush, and put her hands on either side of Romin's face.

"I don't," she said. "I don't. I promise. I don't."

_I don't I don't I don't and even if I did he'd never take me back. Not after everything I've done._

Romin put his hands over hers and gently pulled her palms away from his cheeks.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." It came out small and weak. A pathetic assertion, in the face of all evidence to the contrary. Romin looked unconvinced, and Allura tightened her grip on his hands.

"Romin, listen to me. It has been hard having him here. I will admit that. But it's not because I want him back! It just brings back a lot of memories and a lot of feelings.

"When I ended things with Shiro, it got complicated. There were misunderstandings. Him being here… it gave us the opportunity to iron some of those out. That's all. It's closure. I know you've been caught up in it, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I promise it's all over."

She spoke through tears, and Romin looked down at her hands clasped in his. Slowly, he pulled his fingers away.

"I want to believe you," he said quietly.

"Then believe me."

He nodded, but didn't meet her gaze.

"I'll see you at dinner," he said. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, and walked away across the gardens and back into the palace.

It was tempting to go back inside and mope, but the sun's warmth made Allura want to remain outside. Instead, she sulked around the gardens. Romin's words stung her, but not as much as her own tangled thoughts.

She'd told Romin this was about closure, but in her heart-of-hearts she only half-believed that. Anger bubbled out of her, and she kicked at the stones on the gravel path as she wandered from the private gardens to the public ones. Was she angry at Romin or herself? Her fiancé had done nothing wrong. She would react the same way if his beautiful ex-lover turned up out of nowhere. Especially if he started muttering her name in his sleep.

This was her own fault for indulging herself in fantasies and memories. For letting herself get distracted. If she hadn't been thinking about Shiro so much, she never would have dreamed of him.

Allura cursed herself, and swiped angrily at a pink juniberry blossom. She stalked through the flowerbeds until she came to a white-stone bridge over a tiny ornamental stream. She plucked a branch from a nearby bush and leaned on the bridge's railing. The water gurgled and danced beneath her, and she pulled leaves off the branch and dropped them in the stream one by one.

"What did the branch ever do to you?"

Of course it was Shiro. Of course.

Allura sighed. "Nothing. I'm just venting my frustrations."

She thought Shiro would leave her be, but instead he came to lean on the railing next to her. He didn't say anything, but his silence had always been so inviting.

"Romin is upset because I didn't tell him about you," she said. _And because I said your name in my sleep_. "And you're angry at me for the same thing."

"I'm not angry at you."

He certainly didn't sound angry. Allura glanced across at him. He gave her a small smile, and glanced down at the stream, and the debris of leaves and twigs drifting away from Allura's hands.

"I understand why you didn't tell him. You don't owe me anything."

Allura nodded. Her fingers plucked at the branch in her hand, and she tore at the leaves with her nails. Anything to distract herself. From the mess she'd caused, from her own uncertain heart, from Shiro… she wasn't even sure anymore.

"You've always been so patient with me," she said. "I don't know how you do it."

She turned to face him. He watched her carefully, his shoulders thrown back and his hands stuffed in his pockets. A casual observer might believe he was relaxed, but Allura knew better. Shiro only put his hands in his pockets when he was stressed or anxious. She wondered what had set him off.

"I just want you to be happy," he said. He met her gaze, and beneath his frown his eyes were soft and understanding. "If you're happy here with Romin, that's all I can ask for. It's all I've ever wanted for you."

Allura smiled, in spite of herself and her troubles. Because he meant it. He'd always meant it. Whatever it took to make her happy, he'd do it.

"So tell me, Princess," he went on. "Are you happy?"

She opened her mouth to say yes, but the word wouldn't come out. It was hard to lie under the weight of his gaze. His eyes pierced her to her soul, as they always had, and yet they remained so soft - so gentle - even as they ripped away her pretences and laid her bare.

She couldn't look at him. Instead she turned back to the stream and let her eyes fall to the rippling water washing the rocks below.

"Don't ask me that," she muttered.

"Allura?" His hand grasped her shoulder - so gentle, so sweet, after all these years - and he turned her around to face him. "You are happy, right?"

He gazed down at her, his face a mask of concern. The expression was so familiar it made her breath catch. He'd looked at her like that many times, in their time together - and before, even, when they'd danced around each other trying not to admit what they felt. Was that love in his eyes, still, after all these years? And what if it was?

Allura stepped back, overwhelmed by Shiro's gaze and her own surging, tumbling thoughts.

"I have to go," she said, and it came out as a whisper - a plea - a prayer for peace. She didn't stop to look at Shiro's face. She didn't trust herself to measure his reaction. Instead, she turned and fled, and the colours of the garden blurred together through her tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is even good at this point because I am no longer fully in control of this. OH WELL I promise I know how to end this *sweats nervously*


	5. count up all the chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again, posting angst at 3am!

The last few days of the Paladins' visit passed in a whirl of social engagements and public events. Allura lost herself in being busy, and barely saw Shiro except at a few large gatherings. Always from afar, across a crowded room, and never for more than a few minutes. When they did speak, Shiro was studiously polite and didn't bring up any sensitive topics. The distance gaped between them, an abyss they could never cross.

To make matters worse, Romin was irritable and touchy whenever Shiro was around. He was trying his best to be patient, Allura knew, and in private moments he was considerate and kind and didn't push her about her ongoing confusion. In public, however, he became clingy and overly-affectionate whenever Shiro was present.

If Shiro noticed, he didn't make anything of it. Sometimes, Allura fancied she caught his eyes lingering on her as she swept past on Romin's arm. But he never said or did anything, and he never asked her again if she was happy.

On the final night of their visit, the Paladins hosted a gathering at the Castle of Lions. The great castle-ship stood on the outskirts of the city, its gates thrown open to the public, and a carnival of sorts had sprung up spontaneously at the landing site. Coloured tents and streamers huddled around the ship's great white pillars like spilled paint around a canvas.

Allura arrived at the party with Romin, riding in convoy from the Royal Palace. Coran accompanied them, eager to set foot in the castle-ship that had been his home for so long. Allura wore an elegant gown of dusky pink that complemented the markings under her eyes. Gold bangles sparkled on her wrists and chimed together whenever she moved.

The engagement band was hidden amongst them, indistinguishable from the rest, less obvious than it usually was. Allura told herself it was accidental.

The party itself was smaller and less grand than the Paladins' Gala hosted at the Royal Palace. The main ballroom of the Castle of Lions had been opened up in honour of the occasion. Multicoloured lights glimmered on the walls, and tables of food and drinks ringed the main dancefloor. There was no band this time, but soft music played in the background, and a few enterprising guests took it upon themselves to partner up and dance.

Allura spent her evening with the Paladins - except for Shiro, who seemed to be in a mood of some kind and avoided talking to anyone except Coran. Allura's eyes strayed to him occasionally, but his face was unreadable and when she did catch him looking at her, he looked away before she could smile at him.

Still, catching up with the others was delightful. Lance had a thousand exciting stories to tell, and Pidge and Hunk regaled her with tales of their technological breakthroughs and culinary adventures. Keith talked about some of their more daring battles against the Galra Resistance. It felt like old times.

It wasn't until the evening began to wind down that Allura found herself alongside Shiro. She couldn't figure out if it was accidental, or if he'd sought her out deliberately, but as soon as he appeared the other Paladins evaporated into the crowd as if on some unspoken understanding.

"How are you enjoying the party?" Shiro asked. He wore his Paladin dress uniform again, and stood with his hands in his pockets. Nervous. But why?

"It's wonderful," Allura smiled. She took a sip of her drink so she could surreptitiously scan the crowd for Romin. She caught sight of him at the opposite end of the hall, deep in conversation with Coran. Maybe that was why Shiro had chosen this moment to approach her.

"Care for a brief tour?" Shiro asked. He offered Allura his arm, and after a moment's hesitation, she slipped her hand through the crook of his elbow.

"You know I used to live here?" she joked.

Shiro smiled down at her. "Humour me. For old time's sake?"

She nodded, and let him lead her across the ballroom and up the grand staircase to the gallery. Below them, the guests mingled and danced, and the sound of a hundred voices rose toward the roof in a pleasant murmur. Shiro pushed open the outer doors and lead Allura out onto the balcony.

The city of New Altea sparkled before them, a dazzling array of light and colour against the star-studded sky. From below, the noise of revelry spilled up from the carnival tents and drifted away into the night. The cool air was refreshing after the warmth of the ballroom, and Allura look a deep breath, savouring the gentle chill against her skin.

Being up here, with Shiro… it brought pleasant memories flooding back. They'd stood beside each other on this balcony so many times before, at parties or celebrations just like this. They'd surveyed a hundred planets from this very vantage point, taking pride in a battle hard won or a new alliance painstakingly forged.

Allura leaned on the balcony rail, and after a moment Shiro joined her.

"This reminds me of Kolkip," Allura said. "Do you remember? That planet we liberated. They threw a huge party outside the Castle of Lions."

"I do remember," Shiro said. "They served that weird drink that made Lance bounce off the walls."

Shiro laughed at the memory, and half-turned to look at her.

"They wanted Hunk to marry the heir to the throne, as well," Allura chuckled. "He didn't know which way to look."

"And Coran got that sticky sweet pudding thing stuck in his moustache."

"Yes! He was so distraught when we had to cut it out."

"You know that's the only time I've ever seen Coran without a full moustache," Shiro said, and his smile lit up the night like a firework going off. "That was the weirdest two weeks of my life."

Allura laughed at the memory of it, and suddenly the weight of expectations and responsibilities fell away into the night. Joy bubbled out of her, reckless and easy. Shiro smiled back at her, and his expression was so tender and gentle it felt like old times. She laid a hand on his arm without thinking.

"But don't you remember," she said, the words pouring out through her laughter. "He walked around with his hand over his face. He wouldn't even let us look at him."

Shiro dissolved into laughter, and as he did he leaned into her, as if he wanted to rest his forehead against hers. For a moment - just for a moment - she thought he might kiss her. But it passed in a sudden dark cloud of recollection. They weren't together anymore. It might feel like old times, but it was very much the here and now.

The thought sobered her, and Allura withdrew her hand from Shiro's arm. He caught the shift in her mood and pulled back, but the smile remained on his face. He studied her carefully, as if the lines of her face could reveal some ancient secret.

"We had some good times, didn't we?" he asked.

She nodded. "Some of the best."

He glanced down at her wrist. The engagement band glinted treacherously amongst the gold bangles.

"I'm happy for you," Shiro said. "You have a great life here. And Romin's a good man."

Allura smiled, but something about his words made her heart sink. Hearing praise for Romin from Shiro's lips always put her on edge for some reason. She turned away from Shiro's gaze and surveyed the carnival instead.

"He is," she said softly. It lacked conviction, and that wasn't fair. Romin _was_ a good man. It wasn't fair to compare him to Shiro.

And yet she did, she realised. The revelation hit her like a punch in the gut. Every day, in every small moment, in every major decision or heated argument or tender confession… she compared him to Shiro. Some tiny, stubborn part of her heart kept Shiro as her benchmark, and weighed Romin in the balance against him.

She leaned over the balcony again. The colours of the carnival blurred together, mingling with the light of lanterns and torches. Allura couldn't focus on any of it, but it was better than trying to meet Shiro's gaze. She didn't trust herself to look him in the eye right now.

"Do you love him?" Shiro asked.

The question came out as a soft whisper, almost lost on the night time breeze. Allura's breath hitched. She didn't owe him an answer, and if she brushed him off she knew he wouldn't push her. But after all the time they'd spent together, the least she could offer him was honesty.

"Yes," she said, her voice faint.

"The way you loved me?"

And she couldn't breathe suddenly, because how could she answer that? She'd loved Shiro like wildfire; like a sun burning up. They'd loved each other like stars bursting to life in the void of the night. They'd loved in every colour and contrast, in every moment, in laughter and tears and desperation, in the face of horror and war, in spite of and because of all of it.

She turned to Shiro and met his gaze - and this time she let herself drown in it; let herself sink into his eyes and remember what it felt like to be loved by him, purely and completely, without fear or restraint. The taste of it came back to her - the feel of it in her heart.

No wonder she'd bottled it up. No wonder she'd packed it away and forgotten about it. It felt like waking up after a ten-thousand-year sleep. It felt like coming home.

"I'll never love anyone the way I loved you," she said. And there it was. A moment of brutal honesty.

She held Shiro's gaze. His eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth as if to say something, but instead the silence stretched out between them. Eventually Allura looked away, at the carnival and the night sky and the city - at anything and nothing. The moment passed. She turned towards the doors.

"I should go," she said.

She took a step away from him, but as she did Shiro reached out and grabbed her hand.

"Allura - wait."

His fingers closed around her palm - his real fingers, warm and gentle against her skin. Her heart skipped a beat, and she turned back to him.

The look he gave her left her breathless. She didn't try to speak. She only held his gaze and waited.

"I know you're with Romin now," Shiro said. His fingers tightened around hers, and he looked down to where their hands were joined together. "And I'm not asking you for anything. But… I won't see you again until your wedding, so I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to tell you this. And I just want you to know."

He looked up at her, his expression entirely open and vulnerable, his heart bare for her to see.

"I never got over you," he said. "I never stopped loving you. You were The One for me. There's never been anyone else. And I know it's probably too late to make any difference, but… you could have me back in a heartbeat if you wanted."

Allura held her breath. It was like watching a sun rise just for her. He still loved her, after everything, after all of it, after the arguments and the heartbreak and the years of separation. The door she thought had slammed shut in her face suddenly stood open and inviting. She could have him back if she wanted. In a heartbeat.

But his fingers moved on her hand, and brushed the bangles on her wrist. The engagement band shifted and clinked.

What about Romin?

Allura remembered how to breathe, finally, and let out her breath in a rush. Confusion and uncertainty clouded her thoughts, and it must have shown on her face, because Shiro released his grip on her hand and stepped back.

"You don't have to say anything," he said. The open expression vanished from his face, replaced by his usual reserved demeanour. "I just wanted you to know. I don't suppose it really matters anymore."

She didn't trust herself to answer that.

"I have to go," she said. "I'm sorry."

She caught the briefest flicker of pain on Shiro's face before she turned away.

* * *

Allura excused herself early from the party, and called a transport to take her back to the Royal Palace. She sat in the back seat and tapped her feet impatiently. The engagement band seemed to stare at her, and she ran her fingers over the metal, feeling each stone under her thumb as she turned it in her hand, over and over.

She needed to think.

_You could have me back in a heartbeat if you wanted._

The words replayed in her mind. But did she want it? What if she left Romin for Shiro, only to see things end the same way they had the first time - arguments and recriminations and angry words? Was it just a second chance to make all the same mistakes?

The engagement band made another impatient circuit of her wrist, driven by her restless hands.

Why was she even considering this? She'd spent weeks reassuring Romin that she loved him, that she didn't want to leave him, that she was happy to stay here. And it was true, wasn't it? He was the one thing about life on New Altea she actually liked. She loved him, didn't she? Or was he just a safe option? She bit her lip and stared at the ceiling of the transport. No answers were forthcoming.

What if she didn't want Shiro, but just craved the adventure and excitement they'd shared? Her feelings for him were always so tangled up in her thirst for novelty and travel. Perhaps if she'd ever travelled alone, she'd be better able to unravel them, but without that perspective she was always going to wonder.

And if she wasn't sure… If she dived in without thinking, and realised her mistake too late… she could break Shiro's heart all over again. She couldn't do that to him. Not after everything.

The transport arrive at the Royal Palace, and Allura wandered back to her room, lost in her own stormy thoughts. She undressed mechanically, running on autopilot, and changed into her nightclothes.

Various solutions presented themselves in front of her mind, only to be dismissed and rejected. Various scenarios played out like pantomimes across her imagination. Shiro's face came back to her, time and again, his soul bared for her to see and his heart held out to her on a plate. She might as well have thrown it back in his face.

And that was the other thing. How would he feel now? The moment had passed; the opening was gone. He'd thrown open the door for her and invited her to step through, and instead she'd stepped away. How long would that door remain open? How long before he gave up on her completely?

It had already been five years. He wouldn't wait forever. Would he?

She threw herself back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. The Palace moved into its night cycle, and the lights dimmed to a warm yellow glow, but Allura still stared at nothing, trying to figure out the mess she'd made.

After an hour, the door opened. She sat up on the bed as Romin came in.

"You ran away from the party," he said.

"Sorry. I just needed some space."

She watched Romin cross to the vanity and sit down on the stool. He didn't look at her for a long time. Instead, he stared at his wrist, his fingers toying with the engagement band that matched Allura's own.

"You know, I've been thinking," he said, his voice quiet. "When I asked you to marry me, you said no. Several times. And I thought it was just because you didn't want to settle down. You never made any secret of your unhappiness here on New Altea.

"But I don't think that's why you were so reluctant to marry me. It wasn't to do with that. It was about Shiro."

He looked up at her, daring her to disagree. And a few weeks ago, she would have dismissed the statement out of hand. Not now, though.

_You could have me back in a heartbeat if you wanted_.

"I never said anything about it," Romin went on. "I never asked you about him. And then I saw you dance with him at the Gala, and I saw the way you smiled at him… and I tried to ignore it. I told myself it didn't matter. And you said his name in your sleep and I told myself, everyone has dreams. You can't help what you dream about.

"But then I saw you tonight on the balcony with him. I saw the way you smiled at him."

Allura's mouth dropped open. She wanted to say something in her own defence, but she had nothing to offer. Romin must have come by to look for her. She hadn't even noticed.

"The way you looked at him… You've never looked at me like that. I wish you had, because you looked beautiful. But it wasn't for me. It was for him."

"Romin, I didn't mean--"

He shook his head, cutting her off.

"It's okay. You don't need to apologise. I can't even blame you - I mean, Shiro's pretty incredible."

Romin unclasped the engagement band and slipped it off his wrist. He held it up in front of his face and rocked it back and forth between his thumb and finger, watching the stones catch the light.

"I thought about just ignoring it. You told me you didn't have feelings for him anymore, and I could have just taken you at your word. Accepted my lot in life as your second choice. You would have been worth it."

Her chest grew tight at his words, and she blinked back tears. She had nothing to say. Nothing that could soothe the wounds in Romin's heart. Hadn't she just been sitting here thinking about leaving him?

"I thought about it," he went on. "But I don't want to live my life in someone else's shadow. I'm not going to do that to myself. Maybe we'd have some good times together. Maybe eventually you'd get over him. But I don't think so. And I think I'd always be wondering if you wanted him and not me. Every time he visited, or you spoke to him, or we worked with him - I'd always wonder. And I don't want that. It's not fair on either of us."

He stood up and placed the engagement band on the dresser, his movements deliberate and slow.

"I love you, Allura," he said, and met her gaze. His eyes were full of sadness, but his voice didn't shake. "And I believe you when you say you love me too. But I know you're not happy here. I don't know how much of that is to do with Shiro, in all honesty. Maybe you don't even know yourself.

"But when I saw the two of you on that balcony tonight, I knew I'd always be competing against him. And I don't want to do that."

Allura blinked away tears. She grasped for words that wouldn't come; for an answer to statements that weren't questions. She had nothing. Romin was right. She _had_ compared him to Shiro.

Romin gave her a wry smile. "You're not going to argue with me? Beg me to stay?"

"Would it change your mind if I did?"

"No," he admitted. "But it does sort of prove my point."

He crossed to the bed and placed a finger beneath her chin, tilting her head up. His lips met hers for the last time - softly, gently, laden with sadness.

"Stay here as long as you need," he said. "I'll find somewhere else to sleep."

The slipped out of the door, and it closed silently behind him.

Allura stared at the engagement band on her wrist for a long time. Finally, she stood up and unclasped the metal bracelet. She crossed to the dresser and laid it next to Romin's, and then she pulled a suitcase out from one of the cupboards and began to pack.


	6. we see what we want to see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought it was time for Shiro's POV. Also, holy crow i can't believe how quickly i finished this whole thing. what a wild ride.

Shiro adjusted his prosthetic, and flexed the fingers to make sure it was working. It was a far cry from his old Galra magitech arm. This new arm was an elegant design that blended the best of Altean and Olkari technology, and interfaced seamlessly with the stump of his right shoulder. It gave him more flexibility and sensation than ever. Pidge and Hunk's constant tinkering only made it better.

He pulled on his suit of armour and headed out of his room.

The other Paladins were all waiting for him in the Black Lion's hangar. They looked at him expectantly.

He sighed. "What?"

"What do you mean, _what_?" Lance asked. "Did you tell her or not?"

"Yeah, I told her."

"And?" Keith demanded.

"And nothing. I told her and she ran off. That's it."

"Maybe she went to break up with her weird boyfriend," Pidge said. She held her bayard in one hand, idly switching it between functions. Small blade. Grappling hook. Vicious-looking knife. Shotgun. Blade again.

"Oh come on, he's not that weird," Hunk said. "I actually kinda like him."

"Hunk! Don't take his side!" Lance said.

"I'm not taking sides!" Hunk objected. "I'm just saying, he's a nice guy. He's not that weird. I bet Allura just needs time to let him down gently. Ease the blow, kinda thing."

"Or maybe she actually loves him and wants to stay with him," Shiro said. The words hurt like a physical wound, but they needed saying. It had always been a huge gamble, and sometimes those paid off but sometimes they didn't.

Lance threw his arm around Shiro's shoulders. "Shiro, ma man, I'm not liking this defeatist attitude."

"Can we please just get to our Lions?" Shiro said testily. "We're going to be late."

"I'm just saying we still have time to pick up a boombox and an enormous bouquet of flowers. Ya know, the grand gesture. Make a scene of it."

Pidge rolled her eyes. "Where would we even get those?"

"Enough, you guys," Shiro said wearily. "Can we just try and keep this professional, please?"

* * *

 

They flew out of the Castle of Lions in formation, as they had the first day they arrived, and circled around the Royal Palace. Black purred under Shiro's hands, but he sensed her annoyance. The Lion always picked up on his feelings, and right now she was indignant at the thought that her precious Paladin would return to the Castle alone yet again.

"I know, girl," Shiro murmured. "But I gave it my best shot."

The Lion responded with warmth and sympathy, and lapsed into focused silence.

They landed in the outer courtyard of the Palace, exactly as before, and the Paladins walked together toward the Palace steps. The crowd waved and cheered, and the Peace Guard stood to attention and saluted as they passed.

Prince Romin stood on the steps ahead of them. Alone.

Keith leaned into Shiro's shoulder slightly. "Where's Allura?" he muttered.

Shiro frowned, but he said nothing in return, and Keith didn't press the issue.

They arrived at the foot of the Palace steps, and Prince Romin held up his hands to quiet the crowd. A breeze sprang up and stirred the banners of the Peace Guard, and a flock of bright birds flew above the Palace roofs, a flash of colour against the azure sky.

"Voltron Paladins," Romin began. "We cannot thank you enough for your service to the universe, or for the honour of your presence amongst us. Unfortunately, Princess Allura cannot be with us today, but I am sure if she were here she would extend her thanks to you as well."

Shiro's heart sank in his chest. That was it, then. She didn't want to see him. It made sense: he'd dropped a bombshell on her, and she didn't want to hear it. Of course she'd make an excuse to avoid their final meeting.

At least she wasn't being cruel about it. It would make things infinitely worse if she showed up on Romin's arm just to drive home the point. Thank heaven for small mercies.

Shiro tuned out the rest of Romin's speech, and focused instead on keeping his face neutral. Not once did Romin look him in the eye. Allura must have told him everything. The sooner they could get this charade over with, the better.

Finally, it was done. The Paladins shook hands with the assembled dignitaries, embraced Coran, waved at the crowd, and departed in their Lions. The Royal Palace receded into the distance, and they docked with the Castle of Lions.

"Prepare for take-off," Shiro said over the comms. "We're coming up to the bridge."

"Yes sir," the officer on duty said.

Shiro took off his helmet and rested it on the Lion's control panel. Black hummed gently at him, her sadness echoing his own. She missed Allura as well.

"I tried," Shiro whispered. "I honestly tried."

He sighed, and made his way out of the Lion and up to the bridge. The other Paladins were already there, leaning on the main control panel and chit-chatting about the send-off.

The control room had never been this busy in the early days, but over time the ship had gained more occupants and recruited more personnel. The current flight crew was made up of three Alteans, a Galra, two Olkari engineers, and Slav.

Sometimes, Shiro missed the simpler times, when the five Paladins had alternated between flying the Lions and helping Allura pilot the spaceship. But the bustle of noise on the bridge reminded him of how far they'd come.

"Officer on deck!" one of the Alteans - Lieutenant Maffery - announced. The flight crew stood to attention as Shiro marched up to the main control station.

"At ease," he said.

The other Paladins looked at him, and at each other. He tried to ignore their glances.

Finally, Keith put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Shiro."

"I'm sure she'll come around," Lance added.

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Now's not the time," he said. "I don't want to talk about this."

They backed off and sat at their stations. Maffery sent Shiro the wormhole co-ordinates, and he powered up the workstation.

"Prepare for launch," Shiro said. He concentrated, and felt for the power in the Castle's core. The crystal responded to his questing threads of quintessence, and powered up. The Castle hummed. The engines fired.

"Launching in 3… 2… 1…" Maffery counted down.

The Castle took off and soared away into the sky, up and out, pushing up through clouds and thinning air until they breached the upper atmosphere. Blue sky faded to black, and the stars came out. The engines surged, powering the ship away from New Altea.

"Prepare for wormhole jump," Shiro told the flight crew. He checked the co-ordinates on his console, and glanced around to make sure everyone was strapped in their seats.

He remembered, suddenly, the first time he'd done this. Allura taught him how. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel her hands over his on the controls; the surge of her quintessence mingling with his. She spoke softly, her voice barely more than a whisper, as she talked him through it. She held his hands until they stopped shaking.

He gritted his teeth, and the memory faded. He didn't need her help anymore. And she evidently didn't need him.

Quintessence surged through the controls, and Shiro focused. The wormhole appeared ahead of the ship, a glowing white halo miles wide. He steered the ship into the wormhole's shimmering surface, and left New Altea behind.

* * *

A message arrived from the Royal Palace a week later, announcing in a few short words that the royal wedding was cancelled. It came from Prince Romin. It prompted another round of stares and muttering from the Paladins, and this time Shiro couldn't ignore it.

"Just call New Altea and speak to her," Lance said. "You can at least ask her what's going on."

"This has to be a good sign, right?" Hunk argued. He twirled a knife between his fingers, and selected another _enopi_ root from the pile. They were all sitting in the kitchen, watching Hunk cook.

"I don't know," Shiro said. "She hasn't spoken to me. I don't know what she's thinking."

"Just ask Coran," Pidge suggested. "Call him first if you're too scared to call Allura."

"I'm not scared to call her. I just don't know what to say that I haven't already said." 

* * *

He called Coran in the end.

"Allura left," Coran told him. "She's not on New Altea anymore. Said she needed some space to think about things."

Well, that wasn't terrible. But it wasn't exactly good news either.

"Did she say when she's coming back?"

"I'm afraid not. She's been very restless these past few years, you see. I think she just wants a bit of an adventure. You know, spread those wings. See the universe. Have some experiences. Plus… you know… all this stuff with Prince Romin. It's a lot to think about."

"Right." Shiro didn't ask. He wondered if Allura had told Coran about their conversation on the balcony, before she disappeared off on her adventures. Maybe not. Maybe Romin didn't even know, and the whole break-up was over something else.

He sighed, and went back to the training deck.

* * *

Weeks passed with no word from Allura, or Coran, or anything from New Altea beyond official communications. At first, the others tried to put a positive spin on things.

"No one gets over a break-up in a few weeks," Lance supplied helpfully. "She probably just needs to work through some things. Get Prince Weirdo out of her system."

"She's probably on some planet somewhere punching out all her feelings," Pidge offered. "She'll be back soon."

Another message arrived from Coran. Allura had sent word that she was perfectly safe and happy and enjoying her travels.

"She just doesn't want Coran to worry about her," Hunk said, but he sounded unconvinced. "I'm sure she's just… taking her time to really think things through. You know. Be… really sure."

He trailed off in the face of Shiro's despondent expression.

Weeks turned into months.

Shiro endured the sympathetic looks and 'you did your best' back-pats from his fellow Paladins, and threw himself into training. He volunteered for patrols and took the Black Lion out on long, rambling spaceflights between burning stars and frozen asteroids.

The last remnants of the Galra resistance still made trouble in the furthest edges of the New Altean Territories, and the Castle of Lions went wherever it was needed. The Paladins formed Voltron, fought battleships, rescued planets, and accepted the praise and thanks of the newly-liberated worlds.

Shiro trained until he passed out, woke up on the floor of the training deck, went straight out on patrol, came back, trained some more. Rinse and repeat.

Sometimes, the Castle of Lions landed on some planet or moon and stayed there for weeks at a time, usually to deal with some local trouble that couldn't be easily solved in a day or two. At these times, Shiro was called upon to act the diplomat. He went through the motions mechanically, and tried not to think about how much of this skillset he'd learned from Allura.

Still no word from her.

Train. Sleep. Eat, without really tasting anything. Patrol, eyes fixed on the stars, brain slipping into autopilot. Sometimes, he slept at the controls, and Black woke him up with a growl and a nudge of her power.

Eat. Train. Sleep. Over and over.

The other Paladins noticed, of course. They took it in turns to talk to him, or sit with him, or hold the bag while he punched and punched and punched out all his loneliness and frustration and anger. But what could any of them say? What could they do to make him feel better?

Sometimes Coran sent updates from New Altea. Allura occasionally sent him a few brief lines, updating her beloved mentor on her location and assuring him once again that she was safe. Coran passed these messages on to Shiro, but Shiro couldn't figure out whether or not Coran intended him to contact Allura himself. He thought about it sometimes, especially on long nights alone on watch.

He never contacted her. He let her be.

He'd said everything there was to be said. If she wanted to talk to him, she'd be here. Talking to him.

Eat. Train. Sleep. Patrol. Rinse and repeat.

It was his own fault. He knew that now. All those years ago, he left because he thought she wanted him to go. The realisation that she hadn't wanted that after all burned a hole in his chest. Maybe if he'd stayed for a little while longer. Maybe if he'd said or done something different.

And why had he decided to confess to her on the balcony like that? It had only thrown everything into confusion. He should have let the matter rest. Move on. Get over it. Ancient history.

Some nights he dreamed of her - long, agonising dreams that replayed all his fondest memories of their time together. He trained even harder, trying to wear himself out to the point where sleep became a black void. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.

Sometimes he didn't sleep at all, and just sat up in his office in his living quarters, reading reports or studying maps. Sometimes he fell asleep at his desk, too exhausted to walk two rooms to his bed. At other times, he sleepwalked from the desk to the living room and collapsed onto the sofa.

Months rolled over each other. Three months. Four. Five.

Shiro began to accept that Allura wasn't coming back.

It started as a small, quiet certainty, tucked away in the deepest corner of his heart. If she was coming back, she would have come by now. He'd spilled his heart to her, and it wasn't what she wanted, and this was her way of telling him it was over. For real, this time. No more unanswered questions. No more unresolved issues. They'd said everything that needed to be said. He still loved her; she didn't feel the same way. End of story.

At the same time, he came to accept that he would never stop loving her. That love was unshakeable. Wherever she went, whatever she felt, his heart wouldn't change. His life would always orbit around her, his face turned towards her, like a moon tidal-locked to its parent planet, unable to look away.

No amount of training or fighting or patrolling helped.

It wasn't so bad, he told himself. Ten years with her, and a lifetime without. It was a ratio he could live with. The memory of their time together burned bright inside of him, like a star going supernova.

Six months on from their visit to New Altea, the Castle of Lions touched down on a planet ravaged by the Galra. Pidge and Hunk took charge of the rebuilding efforts, but the mission was low-risk, and the slower pace made Shiro restless. Nothing to do and too much time to do it in was a recipe for brooding.

The other Paladins noticed. While Pidge and Hunk worked long hours on the rebuilding project, Keith and Lance kept Shiro company, either on patrols or on the training deck. Shiro appreciated the gesture. It helped stave off the worst of the loneliness.

The Castle of Lions bustled with visitors, which always helped. The main doors stood thrown open, and the locals came and went pretty much as they pleased. It gave the castle a busy, lived-in feel.

A few weeks into the mission, Shiro heard from Coran.

"Just wanted to let you know that Allura's been in touch," the Altean said. "She very much enjoyed all her adventures, but she's ready to come home. We're expecting her back in a few days."

"And Prince Romin?" Shiro hated himself for asking, but the mere thought of Allura being on New Altea with Romin made his heart sink even further into the abyss. They'd probably pick up where they left off. Maybe all that thinking time had helped Allura realise she truly loved Romin, and wanted to be with him. Why else would she go back to New Altea?

"Well, there's a bit of news in that regard," Coran said, a twinkle in his eye. "He's quite the eligible bachelor on New Altea, you see. And he's been spending a lot of time with a certain Sir Gregan. It's the talk of all the gossip columns. Who knows? There might be a royal wedding here after all!"

Well, that explained Allura's sudden return, at least. She was going back to New Altea to fight for Romin's affections.

"Well… let me know when Allura gets back safe," Shiro said, his voice hollow. He closed the comm link and stalked down to the training deck.

Hunk and Pidge had just returned early from the day's rebuilding work, and Shiro gathered all the Paladins in the training room and put them through their paces. They worked so well as a team it was difficult to come up with drills that were actually challenging anymore. He settled for games instead. They practised fighting in teams and shifting their bayards into different forms, and after an hour of dodging blows and bouncing off the walls Shiro felt a little more cheerful.

"You gave it your best shot," Lance said, as they sat on the floor afterwards and got their breath back. "If she wants to go chasing after that loser, it's her loss."

"He's not a loser," Shiro sighed. "I wish he was a loser. If he was a loser I'd just hate him."

"You can hate him anyway," Pidge said. "Just on principle. That's what I'm doing."

Shiro chuckled, in spite of himself. "It's okay, guys. I've accepted my fate."

"I'm sure there's someone out there who's perfect for you," Hunk said.

"There is," Shiro replied. "But unfortunately, she's in love with someone else."

He stood up and stretched out his arms and shoulders.

"Alright, enough talking about my trainwreck of a love life. Everyone shower and change. Debriefing in my office, half an hour."

The other Paladins groaned. Shiro grinned at them. "The fun kind of debriefing, not the work kind."

"Can we talk about your love life?" Lance asked.

"That depends how much nunvil you bring."

Shiro hit the showers, and pulled on his casual clothes, and then a crewman came around with some reports, and he had to visit the bridge to check the shift rotations, and by the time he headed down the corridor towards his living suite he was already late for his own meeting.

The door to his office slid open, and he stepped inside, his eyes still glued to the tablet in his hands. The Paladins' voices rose to greet him, and they seemed far more cheerful than the situation called for.

"Alright, who opened the nunvil without me?" he asked. He glanced up, and froze.

Allura stood in front of his desk, surrounded by the other Paladins. They grinned at him in unison, all caught in the act of hugging Allura, or patting her on the back or asking how she'd been. Every thought evaporated from Shiro's mind. This must be a dream. It must be.

The Paladins looked at him expectantly.

"What are you…?" he began. The words wouldn't come. He stared at her - at Allura, the Princess of Altea, here, in his office. Not in a dream, or a waking fantasy. In real life.

"I thought I might join you all on your missions," she said, her voice edged with uncertainty. "I mean… if that's alright with you."

She met his gaze - shy, uncertain, asking a question he already knew the answer to.

Keith cleared his throat. "We'll uh… give you two some space."

He grabbed Lance by the collar and ushered the other Paladins out of the room. Pidge helpfully removed the tablet from Shiro's unresponsive hands on her way past, and the door closed behind them.

Shiro tried to remember how to breathe.

"Coran said you were going home," he managed.

"I am home." She wrung her hands together in front of her. She must be nervous, then. But why? She tried to smile, but she looked unsure of herself.

"Takashi…" she began, and his name on her lips was like a burst of sunlight through dark clouds. Her mouth opened and closed, and she twisted her hands together, her fingers wrapping over each other. She looked like she had a whole speech prepared and was trying to force the words out. Probably something about needing space, or time to think. Maybe something about sorting out her feelings.

Shiro didn't care. He didn't care about any of it. She called the Castle home.

She said his name.

She came home.

"I needed to know if it was you I wanted, or just the adventure," she began again. "I had to find out if I--"

She didn't finish, because Shiro crossed the room in a heartbeat and kissed her.

For one brief, frozen moment, he thought maybe he misread it. Maybe she would push him away. But her lips parted and she kissed him back, and the taste of her - _God_ , the _taste_ of her - like water in the desert. Like coming up for air. He kissed her like the first time, and the last time, and a thousand times in between, and she melted into his arms like she always had. Like no time had passed at all.

Her hand ran up his neck and into his hair and his arms closed tight around her and he kissed her through tears. He kissed her until he ran out of breath, and she pulled away from him, and she smiled even as the tears spilled from her eyes.

"I missed you so much," she sobbed.

He closed his arms around her and pulled her into his body, and she buried her head in his shoulder as the sobs shook her - relief or sadness or both, he couldn't tell. He tucked his face into her neck and breathed in the scent of her, felt the softness of her hair on his face - her _hair_ , _God_ , how he missed this, how he missed her. And he clung to her like she might vanish at any moment.

"I can't believe you're really here," he whispered into her neck.

Her sobs turned to laughter, and she lifted her head to look at him. Tears sparkled on her cheeks, but she answered his smile with one of her own. It was like a sun rising just for him.

"I travelled all over the galaxy," she said. "And everywhere I went, I just wanted you beside me. So I came home."

He laughed, breathless and disbelieving, and rested his forehead against hers.

"I thought I ruined everything," he confessed. "When I told you how I felt. I thought I ruined everything."

She put a hand on his cheek, and he leaned into her touch just to know she was real.

"No," she whispered. "You didn't ruin anything. I never stopped loving you either. I just forgot."

What could he say to that? There weren't the words to answer it. He kissed her instead, just to convince himself this wasn't a dream, but she was real in his arms, warm and soft and _real_ , and she still loved him, she still wanted him after all this time.

She pulled him closer and raked her fingers through his hair. Her tongue rolled against his, and her hand at his waist found the edge of his shirt and tugged up.

The feel of her fingers on his bare skin rekindled something deep within him - a fire banked low, smouldering in the darkness, but never quite gone out. Her palm ran up the smooth skin of his back and the flames burst back to life. Need and desire surged through him, reawakened by her touch. He kissed her again, fierce and consuming, and when he left a trail of kisses down her neck she wrapped her arms around him and gasped under his caress.

It was hard to make the journey from his office to his bed, even though it was only two rooms away, because moving meant letting go of Allura and he wasn't ready to do that just yet. Instead he clung to her and let her push him back through each door in turn, tugging at her clothes and his, until they found themselves in his bedroom.

Her bare skin pressed against his and her lips found the curve of his neck and _God_ , the taste of her, just the _feel_ of her in his arms again, after all these years. He ran his hands through her hair and looked at her, and she met his gaze and smiled at him, like a burst of light in the darkness.

"Please tell me I'm not dreaming this," he breathed. "This is real, right?"

She cupped his face in her hands. "It's real," she murmured against his lips.

He pulled her down onto the bed and kissed her again, and the memories flooded back. That fire grew between them, like a new star being born, like galaxies colliding after eons. She touched him like he remembered, and she kissed him like he forgot she could. He came alive again, after years of winter. The distance between them - the pain of separation, the torture of empty space - it burned away, evaporating in the heat of the sun.

Her body was a map he'd memorised long ago, and he knew every secret pathway and every hidden treasure. She came undone under his touch, his name on her lips, and when he buried himself inside her he saw stars and tasted constellations. The way she clung to him, you'd think she hadn't seen him in centuries. Maybe it had been that long. But when she kissed him the years disappeared. Nothing mattered but the feel of her, finally, alive and real and warm in his arms, and when he unravelled completely she echoed his undoing and moaned his name like a prayer to heathen gods.

They lay next to each other afterwards, Allura curled into Shiro's chest, and he traced the lines of her face with his fingers. Her hands rested on his chest, her fingers splayed, and she tangled her legs with his.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

Her fingers played along his collar bone, and she watched his face.

"I forgot how much I love making you smile," she said. It was true. He was smiling. He'd probably never stop.

"Well, you were always really good at it."

She placed a feathery kiss on his lips, and her hands went to his face.

"I like the beard," she said playfully.

Shiro grinned. "That was my plan for getting you back. Just turn up with an awesome beard and wait."

Allura laughed, light and easy and free, and kissed him again. "It worked," she said. And it felt so good to see her laugh like that, lost in her own happiness, wrapped up in his arms. A thousand memories flooded back to him of times just like this one. Maybe there'd be more of those now.

He ran his hand down her side, tracing lightly with his fingers.

"Are you staying?" he asked. He couldn't help it. After everything, some small part of him still thought she'd vanish with the dawn.

"Yes, I'm staying," she whispered.

"For how long?"

"As long as you want me to."

He thought his heart might burst.

"You might be here a while, then," he said.

She sat up in the bed and gazed down at him, her expression suddenly serious.

"I've been thinking," she said. "When I was travelling, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted. And the answer is: yes."

Shiro looked up at her and met her earnest gaze. "What do you mean, _yes_?"

"Yes. I will marry you."

He laughed out of pure happiness, and caught a strand of her hair between his fingers. Something playful and wild stirred within him - a side of him that had vanished when Allura left, and resurfaced only with her return.

"I don't think that's entirely fair," he teased. "I asked you so many times and you said no. I think you should ask me."

Her mouth dropped open. "Alright," she said. "Takashi: would you like to marry me?"

And she looked like she honestly thought he might say no.

"I'll think about it," he said, still teasing, and before her expression could change he pulled her down into his arms and kissed her. When he broke away she looked like she might throw him across the room, but it was worth it.

"Okay. I thought about it. The answer's yes."

She blushed, and poked him in the chest. "I forgot how insufferable you get when you're happy," she said, but her eyes sparkled and a grin tugged at her lips.

He thought of a thousand ways to tease her about it, but those could wait.

"I'm so glad you came back," he said. "I thought I lost you forever."

"You never lost me at all," she whispered, and when she kissed him he believed it.


	7. and it's all coming back to me now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lil bonus something something

_*six months later*_

"Alright, everyone, find your seats please!"

'Everyone' only meant a handful of people - the four Paladins, their closest friends and allies - but Coran had taken his responsibilities to heart and was determined to make the most of the occasion. Allura rolled her eyes, and Shiro laughed at her.

They stood in a small chapel in the Castle of Lions, dedicated to the ancient Goddess of Altea. Coloured lanterns hung on every pillar, and Hunk had somehow scrambled together some alien plants that looked enough like flowers to pass muster.

The guests shuffled to their seats, forming a rough half-circle with Shiro and Allura standing in the centre. Allura took Shiro's hands in hers - both of them, flesh and metal alike. She wore a long dress, in traditional Altean blue; the colour of love and commitment. Shiro wore his dress uniform, but his black sash was replaced with a rice purple: the colour of bonding and family.

"Alright, well, let's get this started, shall we?" Coran said. He stood next to them in the half-circle, chest puffed out with pride. "We're here today to celebrate the marriage of Shiro and Allura. Well, not celebrate, because the actual party will be next week when we can land on a planet with decent drinks! But the actual ceremony will be here and now, because no one wants to wait any longer."

Allura tried not the laugh. Shiro's face wasn't helping. He caught her expression and grinned.

"There's a lot I could say about these two, but I'll save it until I've got a bit of nunvil in me," Coran went on. "But I think I speak for all of us when I say… well, I couldn't be happier."

He cleared his throat, and Allura gave him a fond look.

"Well, without further ado, let's get on with it!" Coran said. He turned to Allura.

"Allura of Altea, Takashi Shirogane has asked for your commitment in marriage. Do you accept?"

"I do," she said, and watched the smile spread across Shiro's face like sunlight at dawn.

"Very good, very good. Takashi Shirogane, Allura of Altea has asked for your commitment in marriage. Do you accept?"

"I do," Shiro said.

"Yeah boiiii!" Lance yelled, and a ripple of laughter fanned through the small crowd. Keith groaned, and elbowed Lance in the ribs, but Allura only laughed. Nothing could spoil this moment, least of all Lance's enthusiasm. It only made it a thousand times better.

"The commitments have been given," Coran said. He picked up a bowl of warm water that sparkled with the white glow of quintessence. "Now we will perform the Touching of the Marks. Allura, you go first, show Shiro how it's done."

Allura dipped two fingers in the water and raised them to Shiro's face. She touched the blue marks on either side of his eyes, and the water made the marks glow. He returned the gesture in kind, and as his fingers brushed her skin her markings tingled and grew warm.

"Is it supposed to feel tingly?" Shiro whispered.

Allura nodded, and Shiro grinned at her. The marks on his face made him look regal, like Altean royalty - but the old kind, the fierce and wise and adventurous kind. The kind Allura had always wanted to be.

They both turned to Coran, who dipped his fingers in the water and touched each of their marks in turn. The gesture reminded Allura of her parents, and for a moment she felt the weight of their absence. Coran nodded to the guests, who got up one by one and performed the same ritual: dipping their fingers in the warm, glowing water, and touching them to the marks on Allura's face, and then Shiro's.

Allura smiled as Pidge pressed two fingers to her markings and gave her a cheeky wink. Hunk looked overwhelmed by the emotion of the day, but he smiled at her warmly as he moved on to Shiro. Out of the corner of her eye, Allura swore she saw Keith flick the water in Shiro's face, before he embraced him warmly.

When all the guests returned to their seats, she took Shiro's hand again, and turned to face the room.

"With the conclusion of the Touching of the Marks, I now pronounce your marriage complete," Coran announced. "May your union be blessed by the Goddess. And you may, you know… give each other a little peck on the cheek if you wish."

Allura laughed, Shiro leaned over and kissed her - on the lips, not the cheek, prompting a scandalised outburst from Coran and a round of applause from their assembled friends.

They were mingling in the chapel afterwards when the Castle alarms went off.

"Well, that was good timing," Shiro muttered.

"What's that mean?" Keith asked.

Allura crossed to the nearest pillar and pulled up a holoscreen.

"Looks like a Galra attack incoming. Just a few fighters. Shouldn't take long to deal with."

"It might be an ambush of some kind," Keith said. "We should take all the Lions just to be sure."

"Agreed," Allura said. "Let's get up to the bridge so we can properly assess what's going on."

And just like that, the wedding was over. The guests hurried away - the Paladins to their Lions, the officers to the bridge. Shiro took Allura's hand as they hurried from the chapel and into the elevator to the control room.

"You want to take the Lion or the Castle?" he asked her, as the elevator took them up.

"I'm not really dressed for a Lion," Allura replied, indicating her long skirts. "You fly Black. I'll cover you from back here."

Shiro grinned at her. "Just like old times."

She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, and he smiled against her lips as he kissed her back, and that was just like old times too. And new times. And a thousand times in between. The elevator doors opened, and she pulled away reluctantly. There was a battle to be won.

Maybe they'd always be fighting, she thought, as she walked onto the bridge beside Shiro. Maybe that was their fate in life, to stand side by side on the battlefront, facing their enemies together. Perhaps peace would be a long time coming. It didn't matter. It only mattered that Shiro smiled at her, that he leaned in to hear her orders, that he winked at her and threw her a mock salute as he headed for the Black Lion's hangar.

It mattered that they were together. At last. For a thousand moments or more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed I leaned pretty heavily on some of my personal favourite headcanons for this: firstly, Shiro being Altean and being able to do magic/fly the castle, and secondly, Shiro and Allura sharing responsibility for flying the Black Lion. I just like the idea of them tag-teaming as Paladins.
> 
> I made up the rituals for the Altean wedding ceremony. It seemed like they might incorporate the facial markings, and it seemed sweet to me, so I just rolled with it.
> 
> Huge thanks to wordswithdragons, aka dragons, aka shiroallura, aka brotp: why do you always kill one of them (I didn't, this time, because I was behaving myself). More specifically, thanks for helping me hash out the ideas for this in the chat late at night, exchanging angsty scenarios and headcanons and coming up with the dialogue. Some of that dialogue made it into the fic. And then I wrote the wedding for you cos... ya know... after all the pain I think you earned it.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't really explain how this got so long - it was supposed to be a short one-off, but I guess the Muse was Strong with this one, and this is what it turned into.
> 
> Also, if you didn't spot it, the chapter titles are lyrics from "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Celine Dion, because beneath this cool exterior beats the heart of a basic white girl. Thanks so much for reading!


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